This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
