I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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