i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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