twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
