Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
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he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
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I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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