u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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