Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
