once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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