You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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