EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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