dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
