3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
