My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
