I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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