he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
