she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
