I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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