Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
