Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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