I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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