You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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