You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
