May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
