I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
