I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
