I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
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I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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