I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Farmville is her only friend.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
