Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
