if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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