checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low