I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i barfeds in our rink
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
