Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
