Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
