i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
