if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she told me i tasted like america
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
