I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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