I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
how drunk are you?
Several
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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