I cannot find my penis.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
