It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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