you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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