I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
