Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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