when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
