: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
