nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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