I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
