Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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