if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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