a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Lo siento on account of my penis...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
