I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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