Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
