I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
