Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
