One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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