dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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