Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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