My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
