No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize