if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
