This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
